Foundation of a New Life

 “I just got the bill for my surgery.    Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for !”

~   James H. Boren

Was it fate or the assertiveness in my friend’s voice that took me to the doctor for checkup, when I felt a lump in my left breast?  I have no answer.  I only remember I was not as much worried about the diagnosis as I was of the tests, or of facing the doctors alone.  Soon after that, I found myself on the flight to Delhi unable to concentrate on reading, trying fruitlessly to gather my thoughts and focus on priorities.  After the seemingly long flight, I was elated to see my mother at the airport.  But instead of a smile that I had expected to be greeted with, I saw FEAR clearly written on her face.  The glimpse of fear was so vivid in her eyes, that it left me nervous and uneasy! 

I landed straight from the airport to the well lit, comfortable Room No 360 of Batra Hospital, New Delhi.    I had gone to the hospital with mommy just for a checkup, when I was enrolled for surgery scheduled for the next day.  It all came very fast to me.  I was in no ways prepared to stay back in the hospital.  Once I got admitted, I could not go home as I had to undergo some clinical tests.  I looked so well that none of the medical staff was ready to take me as a patient.  Pre-surgical routine tests were followed by doctors’ queries regarding my past medical history.  This was a part of procedure to get a clue about why the tumor was formed.  I wonder if they could understand my state of mind then.  Till date I cannot recall what was asked and what I answered.  I only hoped to get rid of the unwanted tumor in my breast fast and be out of the hospital once and for all.  I was not aware till then that the two or three days spent in that room would be instrumental in changing the rest of my life completely!  

My niece Natasha spent the eve of surgery with me at the hospital.  We ordered pizza and cold drink.  We were busy watching a movie on her laptop when one of the doctors entered.   I am sure he must have been surprised at celebrations in the hospital on the eve of surgery!  But he was equally fun loving so we kept the C word in the back seat and continued with our enjoyment.   The best part of Oncologists is that they remain calm, chat with their patients and laugh with them all through the treatment.  Neither nurses, nor any of the staff used the word cancer, nor did they make me feel the seriousness of the surgery and rest of the treatment that lay ahead of me.  Now I realize that I had been fortunate to be in good hands then.

After a sleepless night, when I actually dozed off, it was time to be wheeled in to the Operation Theatre.  With my friend Lalita and my mother by my side, I was quite relaxed and felt I could walk down the long corridor on my own.  I told the ward boy to let my mother sit on the wheel chair as it was a long walk for her, but no, he was not ready to give in.  The fact was that I had been doped already and could be unconscious any time.  I was taken to the waiting room, where I recall talking to the girl lying next to me.  She was to undergo a minor surgery but was in a terrible state of mind.  I was trying to console her without telling her what I was being operated for!  Then it all went blank … I was lost to the drugs … For me, life ended here.  It began again when I opened my eyes shivering all over…  Before I came to my senses I got a blurred picture of my brother, Lalita and mommy standing around me.  But I was cold, terribly cold.  I felt someone slapping me and calling my name, “Rita, wake up!”  They covered me with some blankets but that did not seem enough.  I did not stop shivering and once again I passed away, oblivious of the surroundings, unaware of the worried looks, of people who really cared for my life.  Sometimes I wonder, Is this what death would be like?  Does it give peace from the tiresome days that we lead or does it bring worry for the loved ones we leave behind?  

I opened my eyes for a second time at midnight.  All I wanted to do then was to talk, without realizing that it was middle of the night.  The moment I tried to move, pain shot through my left part.  I needed assistance for everything, even for turning over in the bed and I hated that.  It was good to see Sangeeta, my sister in law near me.  She called the nurse, who took care as if I were a new born baby.  She gave me a pain killer.  And days of medication began… 

Surgery Options

Treatment	Description
Lumpectomy	The malignant tumor and a rim of normal tissue are removed
Quadrantectomy	The malignant tumor and a larger rim of normal tissue are removed
Total or Simple Mastectomy	The whole breast is removed
Modified Radical Mastectomy	The whole breast is removed, along with underarm lymph nodes
Radical Mastectomy	The whole breast, chest muscles, all of the lymph nodes under the arm, and some additional fat and skin are removed
Axillary Dissection	Underarm lymph nodes are removed to determine if cancer has spread
Sentinel Lymph Node Dissection	Only a few underarm lymph nodes are removed. These are the nodes that filter fluid from the affected area of the breast. These nodes are identified using a radioactive substance or blue dye injected near the tumor site within the breast

Surgery for breast cancer depends on various factors like one’s age, kind of tumor, its size, whether or not it is metastasized etc.  In my case it was MRM – I had heard these letters umpteen times before my surgery, yet my brain didn’t register the loss I was going to face in the days to come.  Somehow, I felt that the tumor would be removed and I would be the same as I had been.  The truth behind the three words Modified Radical Mastectomy perhaps was not acceptable to my mind or heart.  The bandages saved me for the time being.  The Histopathology Report said that the tumor size was 4.5x2.2cm, margins were free.  24 lymph nodes had been removed from the armpit out of which 3 were positive.  When axilary lymph nodes are also removed during the surgery, lymph vessels get disrupted and stop the flow of lymph in the body.  This may give rise to pain or swelling in the arm of the affected side.  Hence it becomes necessary to keep moving the arm regularly.  It is said that after surgery one should raise the arm as much as possible.  On 25^th March 2006, the day after surgery, I was advised by my surgeon to move my hands continuously and do relevant exercises at least 100 times a day.  But the moment I tried to lift my hand, there was a severe pain.  I decided to wait a few more days before beginning any kind of exercises.  But the pain did not subside.  This time the doctor emphasized that if I do not move my hand 100 times a day,  I would never be able to lift it in future.   That was when I took his words seriously and started doing simple hand exercises, I saw that moving the hand helped get rid of the pain.  Later on I also started doing yoga and workouts regularly twice a day. 

In a couple of days my stitches were removed.  The wound on my breast was titled as a wonderful ‘piece of art’ by my surgeon, Dr Sudip Raina.  I stood there staring at him and wondering how that ugly dark wound could be artistic for someone.  I still cannot digest the fact that a person (surgeon) can remove a whole organ from someone’s body yet be so calm! 

Cancer ward – full of patients with fear in their eyes, nervous and trying to hold life in their hands!  Their relatives wait impatiently, apprehensive of reports and eager to hear the doctor’s decision.  Some release their mental stress by shedding tears right where they are while others make a fruitless effort to hide their devastation.  Then how come I kept my cool?  Perhaps I didn’t realize then what I had lost.  I sauntered in the ward, talking to other patients, trying to share their grief and forget my own.  From where did I get all the strength to amble down the corridors with a broad smile even after the surgery?